passion waning?

passion waning?

I've been married for a looooong time. My hubtographer and I were college sweethearts and have been together over half of our lives. I can assure you being married and staying happy in marriage is hard work - it doesn't just happen by accident, at least not for the vast majority of couples. And if you aren't working at it but you're perfectly satisfied, chances are your partner isn't. Or won't be eventually. Humans are biologically programmed to seek out love and affection, and I'm not only talking about physical contact. We want to desire and be desired. Which I presume is one of the reasons lingerie was invented.

I hope I'm never the victim of a cheating husband. But I'm not going to sit around and just wish him into fidelity. My defense is a strong offense. My secret weapon (aka strong offense) for keeping him under my spell? Maintaining control over my "outside of the boudoir self" and letting go of the vulnerable, intimate one I share with him in the bedroom.

Allow me to explain.

Of course I'm my lovely, charming, fun, and interesting self as much as possible in everyday life, I do my best to fill his emotional needs, I try to be scarce when I'm put under that powerful spell once a month that er'body loves, and I send him love notes brimming with sweet memories and deep passionate stirrings from time to time. I communicate my needs as much as I can and try to prevent getting annoyed in order to protect our relationship. But it's possible to do all those things and for passion to still wane from time to time. We've all been there. It happens.

What I've realized is that when a sexual dry spell hits it's almost always because I'm not feeling great (and therefore "not sexy and therefore not worthy of being desirable..."). Number one libido antidote right there, my friends. When I'm not feeling good about myself it does not matter what my partner says or does to turn me on. Compliments usually fall on deaf ears or lead to thoughts like "he's just saying that to make me feel better" or "we haven't had sex in a week... he'd probably hump a camel right now". When those sorts of gems start floating through my mind I know it's time to start taking care of myself better. You know the old adage. If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else. So I amp up exercise, making healthy food choices, self-reflection, etc. All that good stuff that's hard to do and easy to let fall through the cracks most days unless you prioritize it.

If all that is in place and I'm still not feeling it, I'm not afraid to enlist a little sexy sartorial help. You see sex isn’t just a physical act; it's about passion. To feel passion you have to let go of control. Control what you can and need to outside of the bedroom, but inside is the place to let go. Get in touch with that vulnerable part of yourself you usually keep under wraps.

Enter pieces like this fierce set from Reckless Wolf. My usual go to for lingerie is the romantic frilly style so stepping over to the naughtier side of my comfort zone and trying something a little edgier and more provocative is titillating and tends to lift my mood to apropos levels of eroticism. I feel looser, more improvisational, and more passionate than my everyday, put-together self when I wear pieces like this. The sultry bra with cheeky revealing cut outs around the cup not only oozes prurient playfulness but also is comfortable and easy to wear. It can be employed for everyday duty underneath a sheer blouse, revealing just enough before I leave for the day to keep my cohort suitably stimulated and guarantee he's ready to romp come return. While strappy and super sexy with its cheeky finish, the knicker is comfortable as well thanks to soft elastics. When called into action, these two pieces (or anything from Reckless Wolf for that matter -- it is one of my go-to brands) always provide that little boost I need to let go.

In other words, I never fail to feel wanton in a very welcoming way wearing this set and have gotten great use out of it: day, night, and as a kick-start for my libido (emphasis on "my" because my husband -- and I'm guessing most men -- isn't lacking when when it comes to libidinousness). I've weighed twenty pounds more, ten pounds less, been pregnant, hormonal, blonde, redheaded, and/or too lazy to shave/wash my hair/apply makeup for days more than once and the man is still always willing and able to go, no questions asked. It's how his gender (or archetype... not throwing shade or trying to stereotype here) is wired. I, however, was not programmed that way. The amount of bedroom activity our relationship sees in a given week seems to be heavily dependent on what's going on in this head of mine and how I'm feeling about myself. So it's up to me to recognize when I'm headed down the self-loathing rabbit hole and change gears by prioritizing self-care, doing whatever it takes to feel worthy of being desired, and not being afraid to bust out whichever piece of lingerie I own that makes me feel most ravishing and able to let go on a given day (or night, of course). Because nipping sex droughts in the bud is part of taking care of our relationship. It's ongoing and effortful, but worth it.

Elevate your game, ladies. Too many of us look our best for our honeymoon and then start the slow, downward slide into attraction obscurity and unhealthy self-consciousness, both of which are threats to sexual satisfaction. Be as desirable as you want your partner to be and do what you have to to feel worthy of it. That will require maximizing self-care and self-confidence as much as possible (underrated fact: a woman's self-confidence is a man's kryptonite...) and adding in a little help from your drawer of naughty little knickers from time to time if you need assistance letting go. You'll have that thrilling, sexy spark back in no time. Or at the very least ensure that if your partner ever does stray it will be a massive letdown for him or her...

What I'm Wearing

Reckless Wolf - Raw Wired Bra (32D) and Black Strap Knicker (S)

Stuart Weitzman - Nudistsong Ankle Strap in Black Patent

Where I'm At

Villa Armena - Toscana, Italia

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